(story begins in 4th paragraph)
I first tried meth when I was 18. It was the last major drug I tried for obvious reasons, maybe crack and pcp are higher on the stigma list but I wouldn't really call them mainstream drugs
Society brands it the scum of all drugs. Meth just sounds dirty as a word even to someone drug obsessed like me. The stigma is weird, with a lot of people seemingly relating it to dramatasized news articles of a different drug (bath salts) and thinking you will go around biting people's faces off and eating cops while suffering simultaneous heart attack, seizure and painful erection. It brings images of crackheads, death, addiction and breaking bad. Its the 'being a smoker' of the drug world, with half of drug users writing it off immediately.
Does it deserve this stigma? Well I was prepared to find out, after all everything else I heard about drugs was wrong, maybe meth would cure my anxiety problems
So I was with some poor criminals sitting around trying to sell a g shock I had bought just a few weeks earlier when I was a small time wealthyish opioid dealer but somehow ended up back on the street, a good representation of the drug world in general
We were doing it to buy weed but the criminals decided they wanted meth and they were bigger than me so meth it was, I still wasn't prepared to do it though, I will just get drunk instead I thought.
Don't get drunk if you don't want to try a drug. I soon developed a facination with the hypnotic vapour they were inhaling and none of them had exploded yet so I gave it a go
I was prepared for my lungs to melt from some weird acid they used to cook the salt like substance in front of me but to my surprise it actually tasted nice. Kind of had a very mild chemical taste like a scientific perfume or something and didn't burn at all. I sat back and prepared for the heart attack I was sure would follow but after a few minutes nothing had really changed so I took another few hits and sat back. About a minute later I felt a rush of sorts coming along, kind of like I was being blown back by an invisible wind and all my skin cells began to tingle. I soon realized however it was not the body high that kept these people sucking the dicks of truckers worldwide.
I felt smart. If any drug comes close to the limitless drug it was meth. It felt very similar to Ritalin but kind of like someone threw in some mdma and sprinkled some tramadol on top. My intense existence induced depression disappeared completely. I was happy. I felt the barriers of the room disappear.
I was a little white kid in a house with big black Maori warriors in it. There was bloods memorabilia all over the wall, weird we have sects of the bloods and crips here in NZ, but to say the least the environment I was in was scary, dangerous and generally all round terrible. 5 year old kids were playing as their father and my gang patched friend smoked meth in the kitchen.
I felt more confident than I had ever been in my life. To me it didn't seem too forced either, I was well aware of the speedy talking and general sentence rape stim freaks were hated for so my brain - that had legitimately started sticking out of my nostrils by this point - watched over me talking to finely tune me into the most cultured, best sounding person to ever live.
I had goosebumps and was very happy, but not otherworldly though, none of this was what I thought it'd be. I didn't have the urge to start running down the street screaming like Jonah Hill in the wolf of wall street. I couldn't (seemingly) lift buildings yet, and I wasn't having the intense constant all over body orgasm I was promised for taking such a risk.
I felt good but I could easily function in normal life. Like I said it felt a lot like Ritalin only like maybe 3 times better. It was easily at the top of the drug list though, but far below opioids still. A solid number 2 on the main rankings but a number 1 in pure euphoria. If $100 (fucking NZ prices) and a pipe could induce such a euphoria on command it easily deserved such a spot. I didn't have to sit through 9 hours of brain fuckery like acid or cry my eyes out on Molly to feel such a solid all round great euphoria and high in general so It was worthy.
Much better than promised I thought. The ridiculous things they said would happen didn't and so even though I wasn't having a melting orgasm I also wasn't being shot by police so I was happy with it. I knew not to do this often though so far, this wasn't worth the effects it had on the brain for me. Without a solid brain I would never get out of the shithole hood I had put myself in but I'm not going to lie though and say the weird meth face was by far the biggest deterant.
It lasted hours in which I didnt sleep and food made me gag, I was extremely horny and my jaw wouldnt stop moving about. Then I finally started getting the famed comedown of this drug. It has to be pretty fucking bad for me to put this drug down the list I thought. It was indeed pretty fucking bad.
I started sweating so much I thought I may melt. My heart began to palpitate and I kept being hit with massive waves of extreme depression and pure anxiety. I felt like I was waiting for a long prison sentence or a plane to crash. But then I would fall back into bliss for a while. It felt like I was glitching out and I could no longer really enjoy the euphoria knowing what would soon come.
Soon the anxiety hit extreme levels. I was convinced I would soon suffer heart failure and I needed to get to hospital to even have a chance of surviving that. So I started walking there quickly. Unfortunately my friend was also suffering the same anxiety, but his, like most people's, was external. He thought I was planning to get him imprisoned for life over him passing me a meth pipe and this ended in us almost comically fighting at the hospital door being stared at by dozens of people until I just decided to stop yelling and walk in.
I shakily walked to the admitting nurse and very anxiously explained I smoked meth and I was now certainly going to die, all while my friend sat outside furiously staring me down, seemingly unable to enter the hospital door.
I sat down and began to get annoyed I could no longer yell at him because at least that took my mind away from the problem, my pussy bitch heart that always got me in these fucking situations. All the images of seizuring overdoses and death entered my mind. Every dramatic news story of meth overdoses and crying mother's flowed through over and over in a non-stop shuffle mode. I didn't want to die i was too young, I hadnt even lived long enough to see my acne disappear and women to start swarming me for the Brad Pitt lookalike I truly was. I started audibly saying fuck quietly over and over. I was experiencing true fear with small bursts of euphoria intertwined.
Suddenly a retarded lady collapsed and started seizuring and screaming on the floor. I actually covered my ears because I couldn't handle it, like her screams were my one weakness. It wasnt working, all the movement of nurses and doctors running in to help threw me overboard and I nearly threw up as I tried to respectfully walk out of the door mid brain seizure.
I screamed quietly many times as I walked home, angry my fucking beta heart wouldn't stop dying on me. The chest pain and palpitations were unbearable. I can't remember the rest but I finally fell asleep hours later completely drained of life and sure I would never awaken again
Since then I have done meth maybe one or twice a year max, but it's always a 2 or 9 day binge. I learned benzos can almost completely eliminate the negatives of the comedown and trip in general. Saying that, I plan to eliminate it from use before I'm 25 for fear I will eventually succumb to a meth face and never see a vagina on a 2 yearly basis again.
I could never understand the major addiction factor, especially compared to opioids until I used it IV and literally orgasmed on delivery and ran around Brisbane for 12 hours trying to fuck homeless women.

(2020) Invisible Man 9/10
This remake, simply put, is excellent. I’m a huge fan of Leigh Whannell and while I do think the story itself is fantastic, it’s his directing that blew me away. This movie is so fucking tense without showing anything for a huge majority of its runtime. When shit actually starts to go down, it’s the definition of thrilling. Elisabeth Moss killed her role.
(2020) The Rental 8/10
The meat and bones of this movie is a character driven drama story. It’s tense and having so much knowledge right away as the viewer that the characters don’t have is frankly anxiety inducing, in a good way. I thought all four main performances were fantastic, especially Sheila Vand. There’s a moment in the film where everything is abruptly subverted in a grand horror fashion and depending on your tastes, that may be off-putting. To me, it was absolutely genius. Dave Franco directed the fuck out of this movie and eliminated all the comfort of campiness that great slashers usually hold.
(2020) Relic 8/10
Robyn Nevin is fantastic here and all the supporting roles are great but not only does this woman make the movie, she is the movie. Her dialogue, her delivery and her body language, at least to me, are a huge chunk of the entire plot. I just found this movie to be gentle until it isn’t, which makes for the most tense moments. It’s a very claustrophobic film; I think it does justice to a very serious and frightening illness.
(2020) Palm Springs 8/10
It doesn’t take long to catch on that, while this is a romantic comedy, it’s also a sci-fi horror film and a specific subset of sci-fi that makes me anxious. So in some regards, at least to genre placement, there’s my bias. The movie is seriously a treat though. It’s a new spin on an old formula and it’s genuinely funny, suspenseful and endearing. Even if you disagree that it shouldn’t be discussed in the horror circles, you won’t regret watching it.
(2020) Shirley 7/10
It’s an incredibly interesting film for many reasons but mostly because it exists as a biopic, as well as a psychological horror film. Jackson is played Elisabeth Moss who is just wonderful. She really brought to life the internal struggle of Jackson. I’d suggest doing some research before diving into this because her profession during the time period was not glamorous or widely accepted, which gives context to, well, everything.
(2020) Becky 8/10
Kevin James was fantastic. He’s a sadistic fuck in this movie. But he doesn’t deserve all the credit and the writers don’t either. I’m going to highlight Greta Zozula here. The most powerful moments in this entire film were purely cinematography based. Melanie Garros and Jenn McGouran deserve a shoutout as well. This was a cookie-cutter home invasion film at its core and these people, among others, made it one of my favorite home invasion films of the decade. Alissa Gee deserves recognition too for creating the most disgusting moment I’ve seen in a minute.
(2019) Parasite 9/10
This film is most obviously on-the-nose but in the same breath, so incredibly impactful. I can’t even describe the seamless transition from black comedy to horror. It’s a heartbreaking view on classism and poverty while also just being a thrilling experience. Every single performance is remarkable and natural. I’m not even sure what else to say without spoiling it. This film isn’t just specific to Asian culture but very relevant to anyone feeling that they’re in a rut.
(2019) Villains 8/10
The premise is sort of simple but the horror is in the details. i loved how everything played out and I thought all four main actors did an incredible job. Everything was super convincing which had me invested and tense. There’s a scene at the end, despite the movies dark, comedic aspects, that was really sweet and very climactic.
(2019) Swallow 9/10
Haley Bennett delivers a heartbreaking performance with a powerful but melancholy ending. The narrative itself is twisted and sadistic. This film make me anxious, depressed and in the end, I’m not sure it offered much reprieve. I loved this film but I’d caution anyone going through mental trauma to venture cautiously into it. It doesn’t promote anything negative but the subject matter can be difficult.
(2019) Nimic 8/10
When I googled the name of this film it gave me the Romanian translation of “nothing” but also, “everything”. For a 10-minute short it offers so much. It felt like a powerfully dark statement about performance in general.
(2019) The Head Hunter 9/10
This was one of the most creative, restrained yet somehow absolutely insane movies I’ve seen all year. I’m absolutely blown away. The exposition is limited and told so refreshingly through almost entirely visuals. It’s caused many viewers frustrations but for me, it was absolutely the best aspect. That’s saying a lot because visually, stylistically, it’s fucking remarkable. I’ve heard people say this movie is boring and to me, there’s not a dull moment throughout the entire film, not a single wasted shot. It’s thrilling, dark, gritty, campy at times and embodies this identity that’s both somehow fluid and refined. It feels like an arthouse film in its minimalism but avoids any pretentiousness you may associate with that sub-genre. Jordan Downey has done some intentionally so-bad-it’s good movies in the past and he clearly wanted to still reference those aspects through some of his shlocky, 50’s horror inspirations in here; especially Fiend Without a Face. That’s a creative decision that will turn a lot of people off but I just really appreciated it and it made the actual watching experience so incredibly fun.
(2019) The Lighthouse 9.5/10
This film is among the few that I felt compelled to watch it again almost immediately. It’s so incredibly rich in every aspect that can make a movie successful. The visuals are jaw-dropping; almost every single frame of this film is photographic. The soundtrack is stripped down to just these haunting sounds of fog horns and piss buckets. The package everything is delivered in, from an artistic standpoint, is so memorable. The performances by Pattinson and Dafoe are both some of the best I’ve seen this entire year and really, the decade…possibly of all time. They deliver this brilliant script’s dialogue with such passion, humor and intensity. The story in this film is shrouded in mystery but the clues and tools needed to decipher it do exist and with a rewatch, finding them felt so rewarding. It’s the kind of movie that I want to make my friends watch, simply so I have someone to discuss it with. It’s one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen.
(2019) I Trapped the Devil 7/10
This one is a bit of a slow-burn but I felt the tension from beginning to end so none of it felt like a blind investment. It had the potential to be another, cookie-cutter, pretentious statement but what I found it to be was simply a well-crafted horror film.
(2019) Pet Sematary 7.5/10
The original film was entertaining to me but I felt it was also dated and a bit too unintentionally silly for my tastes. So going into this, I was hoping for a darker, more serious film and I’m happy to say, that’s what I got.
(2019) Guns Akimbo 7.5/10
This is non-stop gory action, an absurd story and an insane performance by Radcliffe, who I’m such a big fan of at this point. The best part? It’s genuinely, laugh-out-loud funny, both through physical comedy and clever dialogue.
(2019) Harpoon 7/10
I enjoyed this movie a lot and I mean “enjoyed” in every sense of the word. It was the kind of movie to stop making me think so critically about the acting and cinematography because I just find the stranded genre so fun. This movie really delivered in both dark humor and pure, unpredictability.
(2019) Annabelle Comes Home 7/10
I know that Gary Dauberman has worked closely with the series so he definitely understands Wan’s Conjuring universe’s vibe. I mean that from both a pacing and cinematography standpoint. I loved that all the possessed artifacts come into play.
(2019) Vivarium 8/10
This movie is fucking terrifying. The cast may even be too loaded because it’s the environment and Senan Jennings that makes everything so scary. The final 30 minutes of this film are a complete mindfuck and just left my jaw on the floor.
(2019) It Chapter 2 9/10
It embodies the heartfelt, character driven story of King’s novel so incredibly well. Every single performance by the adult actors is fantastic and as much as people didn’t like the overuse of humor, it felt like a natural evolution to me. Things were destined to be less scary with the adult characters coming into contact with an evil they’ve faced before. The last 30-min to me were just so touching, sad and it was the culmination I was hoping for.
(2019) Zombieland: Double Tap 7.5/10
It’s certainly a sequel as far as sequels go but I had a ton of fun with it and it was great to see this group back together. It’s a super cheesy film and I would expect some hate but the original is cheesy fun too, if even to a lesser extent.
(2019) The Color Out of Space 7/10
The entire suspense if the film is how each individual character reacts to this unknown force but Cage’s is of course the most volatile. I love the body horror and I think the entire movie is pretty goddamn exciting in that aspect. It goes so far beyond what you’d expect.
(2019) Joker 9.5/10
To have a Batman-universe film stand out this much among all the others is incredible. This film intentionally evokes almost every emotion until a raw, chilling finale. Gotham is unkempt, unstable and teetering.
(2019) Come to Daddy 7.5/10
This movie is definitely a dark comedy but it’s incredibly interesting in that, among the dark humor, is a real horror movie and a very graphic one at that.
(2019) The Lodge 9/10
The misdirects in this story are excellent and I was blown away about how well the cinematography was used to manipulate the viewer. It feels like it’s twist after twist but in reality, nothing changes and that’s the scariest aspect to the entire movie.
(2019) Home with a View of the Monster 7/10
They do a fantastic job of storytelling, switching timelines and perspectives throughout the film. It’s a technique that’s been around longer than we’ve all been alive but one that’s not easily mastered.
(2019) Ready or Not 7.5/10
It’s just a ton of fun and Samara Weaving is fantastic. There’s so much great meta-humor and the effects are top notch. I think this sub-genre of sadistic games being played has been done to death so it was a welcomed surprise to see a film do it in such a successful way.
(2019) The Platform 9.5/10
One of my favorite things about horror is that you can trace history itself through the decades, with films reflecting the current political, social and economic state around the globe. First we has Us and then another incredible film Parasite, all with similar desperate themes of class instability. Then you have The Platform, which in its pure brutalism combines horror, religion and politics to make an incredibly powerful statement.
(2019) I See You 9/10
This film consistently surprised, disappointed and impressed me throughout its runtime based purely on my own expectations. It frankly made a fool out of me.
(2019) The Vast of Night 7/10
This movie is pretty low-budget but they really worked with what they had to create this warm, throwback aesthetic that just tickled my tiny little nuts. It’s a dialogue driven, on-the-nose Twilight Zone homage and I really enjoyed it.
(2019) John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum 8/10
The choreography and production is mesmerizing. This might be a Hollywood mainstream action film but the kills are powerful and fucking brutal.
(2018) Bloodline 7.5/10
Sean William Scott is a forever type casted actor but has managed to break free of that throughout the years and this is another great example of him doing just that. His performance is reserved but effective.
(2018) Gwen 8.5/10
It’s an incredibly heartbreaking story that, while exists in the folk-horror genre, subverts any and all expectations. Eleanor Worthington-Cox and Maxine Peaks carry the entire film.
(2018) Freaks 8/10
Emile Hirsch, Amanda Crew and Lexy Kolker were all great but it was Bruce Dern who blew me away. He’s such a powerful on-screen presence; just his delivery alone establishes a lot of the more horrifying elements to this film.
(2018) Overlord 8/10
I thought it would be a traditional zombie movie and the circumstances would be the twist but it was its own thing. It’s kind of difficult to describe but I think action-war-horror would be the closest thing I could pin it too. Jovan Adepo was a great fucking lead.
(2018) Monster Party 7.5/10
It’s awesome to experiment but this is a film that will appeal to almost everyone without feeling unoriginal or sold out. This is dark humor at its most enjoyable and the practical effects and gore are fucking awesome.
(2018) Pledge 7.5/10
It’s a simple premise but so well executed. I loved the ending and pretty much 95% of the creative decisions. This isn’t a bloodbath of a horror film but it’s violent as hell.
(2018) High Life 7/10
This film is a really uncomfortable watch from beginning to end. It’s filled with violent, psychosexual imagery, a disjointed narrative and cum. It ends and if you don’t outright hate it, it’s hard to explain why you like it because it’s such a rough watch. I fall in the latter category.
(2018) Possum 8/10
I love the way the story unfolds in the end, just methodically bit-by-bit until a crushing reveal. I felt for this main character and his pain seemed so real.
(2018) Wildling 8/10
Bel Powley and Liv Tyler both play very complimentary fantastic roles. There’s an extended portion of the film that’s almost uplifting and pleasantly strange, following their relationship with each other. I’m happy to say things turn sinister quickly and the last 30-minutes are a wild ride, to say the least.
(2018) The Nightingale 9.5/10
Jennifer Kent decided to put in such a universally disgusting scene that had people walking out of screenings and almost justifiably so. It’s really difficult to watch in portions. It’s just fortunate she followed it up with a masterpiece.
(2017) John Wick: Chapter 2 8/10
These assassins dance so carefully around innocent civilians that it almost comes off as a black comedy, in a great way.
(2017) My Friend Dahmer 8/10
To me, especially with Ross Lynch’s performance, it was an equally endearing and chilling film. It humanized someone who I’ve always considered to be a literal monster, which is something I don’t know how to feel about.
(2017) One Cut of the Dead 7/10
This movie is super creative and pretty fucking hilarious. It feels like a modern day Bowfinger.
(2017) Marrowbone 7.5/10
The characters portrayed are vibrant and fully realized, whether it be through substance or lack-there-of. I obviously don’t actively try and predict movies like a gameshow but this film seemed to excel in misdirect.
(2016) White Girl 8/10
It reminded me a lot of Larry Clark’s Kids but actually intelligently modernized to make a statement on these neighborhoods on the fringe of gentrification.
(2016) The Lighthouse 7.5/10
Mark Lewis Jones and Michael Jibson play their respective roles as the lighthouse keepers really well. Towards the end of the film when the story demands even more of them both, they truly deliver.
(2015) Room 9/10
Brie Larson is an incredible actress and plays this profoundly realistic character. There's moments where emotions do bubble over but most of the time, she does so much by doing so little.
(2015) Jurassic World 7.5/10
Some people will be completely turned off by some of the more absurd and out-there plot elements but I have to say, despite it being cheesy on paper, a lot of the newer sci-fi concepts just happen to work. This is bound to forever be kind of divisive but I liked it.
(2015) Tag 8.5/10
It’s like Tokyo Gore Police meets The Matrix. Sono makes a powerful statement on film media, gender oppression and interestingly enough, he doesn’t leave himself out of the lens of criticism.
(2015) The Invitation 9/10
This movie’s horror aspect is incredibly telegraphed and manipulated with these creepy violin sounds. However, Karyn Kusama’s impeccably clean cinematography and direction use all of that to its benefit.
(2014) John Wick 8/10
I saw this movie in theaters and let me just say, as a beagle owner, this may be my favorite revenge movie. Keanu Reeves is badass as shit and it was the first film in a long time to make me interested in action.
(2014) Spring 8.5/10
It feels helpless and hopeful at the same time, Benson’s script is amazing. I’ve always said that films shot in idyllic landscapes are a blank canvas for horror. There’s so much beautiful contrast.
(2014) The Treatment 7.5/10
This film is so unnerving, dark and depressing. The bones of it are structured like any crime thriller but the meat of it is pure depravity.
(2014) Clown 8/10
This is body horror and one of the better ones out there; the slow, methodical transformation throughout this movie was so effective.
(2014) The Incident 9/10
Bleak doesn’t even begin to describe this film. It’s pure nihilism, screamed loudly into the universe.
(2014) The Guest 8.5/10
I fucking love the story, Dan Stevens is fantastic and the production was cleanly executed. It’s Adam Wingard’s best film so far.
(2013) Blue Ruin 9/10
It’s a standout to me among revenge films. Macon Blair’s character isn’t some bloodthirsty ex-navy seal bent on revenge. He’s a completely broken man that’s overcome by heartbreak.
(2013) Evil Dead 7.5/10
It’s one of the few examples where a remake of a classic, near perfect movie, actually works.
(2013) Redemption 8/10
The film is shot so well, the editing and portrayal of the visuals all correspond to the ebb and flow of his characters physical and mental health.
(2013) Under the Skin 9/10
The second death in this movie is one of the most remarkably unsettling scenes I’ve witnessed to date.
(2011) The Strange Thing About the Johnsons 7/10
Astor flips child molestation on its head in a tense, sickeningly well-made film and I absolute hate it. Do not watch this movie, this will only detract from your overall happiness.
(2011) Contagion 9/10
There’s some fantastic performances by Paltrow, Law, Fishburne and quite a few others. However, it’s the research and writing of this film, the frightening scientific accuracy, that makes it so effective.
(2011) We Need to Talk About Kevin 9/10
This is probably one of the most sensitive subjects you can approach and I’m a huge fan of Lynne Ramsay. Ezra Miller has one of the most chillingly realistic performances of the decade.
(2010) Inception 9.5/10
It’s Nolan’s masterpiece in my mind and that statement isn’t to be taken lightly, as everything he’s done has felt powerful.
(2010) Buried 8/10
This is one of my favorite movies filmed all in one location. It’s tense, claustrophobic (obviously) and it feels genuinely helpless.
(2010) Skeletons 7/10
It’s a strange little film but it’s charming, smart and a refreshing take on the exorcism sub-genre.
(2009) The House of the Devil 8/10
My absolute favorite aspect of this film is the retro feel. It captured 70’s horror so incredibly well. Ti West is a talented filmmaker and this is one of my favorites by him.
(2009) Cropsey 7/10
If there was one thing I really took away from this film, it would be how society and children in particular adapt to unsolved murders.
(2009) The Loved Ones 7.5/10
It reminds of almost a modern day interpretation on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if the dinner scene was the entire film.
(2008) Lake Mungo 9/10
This family is so incredibly natural, real and convincing. It’s not too over the top. The horror is hidden in every frame and simultaneously interwoven with heartbreak. Despite many previous and later films attempting to do what it does, I’ve never seen anything like it.
(2007) An American Crime 7.5/10
Elliot Page is wonderful as Sylvia Likens, she just has this innocent nature to her that amplified the violent aspects of the film. I loved the editing of courtroom footage throughout the runtime, it was a constant reminder that what you’re watching actually happened, despite the theatrical nature of the film at times.
(2007) Teeth 8/10
Teeth is actually such an incredibly hard movie to review critically. The film itself, as a whole, is so many things at once. It’s a comedy, an exploitation film, a revenge film and even sort of…a slasher? I have to give respect where respect is due.
(2007) Death Sentence 7/10
This movie is so goddamn intense during the action sequences that it actual reminds me more of a Max Payne video game film adaptation. It’s so over-the-top but in a really entertaining way.
(2007) Timecrimes 8.5/10
I loved this movie when I first saw it but upon re-watching it, I can’t help but stress its influence in the time-loop horror sub-genre. Sure films like Primer definitely helped pave the way but Timecrimes really manages to focus less on the science fiction and more on the horrifying consequences that come with time travel.
(2007) Zodiac 9/10
It’s not the most violent film, it’s much more story driven but the moments of violence feel fucking powerful. The horror in this film isn’t about the serial killer, it’s really about obsession and Gyllenhaal absolutely nails his performance to bring that aspect home.
(2006) Population 436 7/10
It didn’t aim to disgust or push boundaries; it’s just a fun, creepy story with a satisfying ending.
(2006) Children of Men 9.5/10
It’s a bleak film, as bleak as they come from some perspectives but through the violence and despair is a powerful message of hope. Clive Owen’s character is as a broken as the world around him and one of my favorite character arcs of all time.
(2005) Red Eye 7/10
The setup is sinister enough, being in the confines of a plane, to warrant it being discussed as a horror but it does devolve into an action thriller, not that I’m a genre-snob. Both Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams are fantastic and it’s a tight knit package.
(2005) The Descent 9.5/10
It’s absolutely terrifying and top-to-bottom, one of the most effective horror movies ever made. After seeing over a thousand horror projects, this still remains one of the most intense, period.
(2005) Constantine 8.5/10
Listen, I’ve obviously never even heard about this comic but let me just say, as a standalone movie, it’s fucking awesome. It’s basically Keanu Reeves battling his way through hell, murking demons and basically just being badass as shit.
(2004) Saw 8/10
It’s one of the most creative projects of the 00’s and a project that launched Wan’s and Whannell’s career. I can safely say, the two of them haven’t had any major misses since. This movie is raw, disturbing and has a strong mystery-driven backbone that makes it iconic and endlessly re-watchable. I absolutely love it.
(2004) Hellboy 7.5/10
Listen, I’m not a fucking nerd who is all-knowing about these comics and how well they translate to film but let me tell you, this movie fucking rocks. Ron Perlman kills this role and has so much personality.
(2000) The Gift 8.5/10
Everyone here is wonderful. If I had to pick a standout though, it would be Giovanni Ribisi. His performance is so raw and emotive. The unstable nature of his character actually held up as the backbone to the mystery portion of this film, making it very much unpredictable.
(1999) The Ninth Gate 9/10
It’s two hours of a giant satanic onion being peeled back layer by layer. It’s clear that when Polanski isn’t raping children, he’s creating filmmaking masterpieces.
(1999) Deep Blue Sea 7.5/10
The science-fiction aspects may be super contrived to someone smarter than I am but the entire movie is so goddamn entertaining. I love all the characters and LL Cool J is particularly hilarious.
(1998) Pi 7.5/10
Aronofsky is challenging religion with science and mathematics and it comes together in a really insane way.
(1997) The Lost World: Jurassic Park 7/10
One scene in particular that stuck with me was the raptors in the tall grass, so aesthetically gorgeous and well-shot. It’s not a perfect movie but Goldblum and Moore are charismatic, it’s fucking action packed and the set pieces are diverse as shit. This isn’t some dialed in bullshit for a quick buck.
(1997) Men in Black 9/10
Vincent D’Onofrio was fucking incredible. The entire villain that is Edgar is one of my favorites of all time. Everything from his speech, his loose-skin and awkwardly stiff gate just really sell it.
(1996) The Craft 7.5/10
I love all the acting and characters but Fairuza Balk is probably my favorite. She’s just so eclectic and over-the-top.
(1995) Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight 7/10
This is such a fun movie and very much in the Tales from the Crypt vein. It’s campy but super violent too; the practical effects are fucking dope. It’s kind of like Evil Dead meets From Dusk till Dawn. Billy Zane is great in it and just brings a ton of personally to the film. I even really dug the raunchy, meta-horror opening.
(1994) The Mask 7/10
Jim Carrey is his usual, hilarious, eclectic, over-the-goddamn-top self which softens the edges. There’s also a villain though and the same childish aspects don’t apply to him. As a kid, he was kind of scary actually.
(1993) Jurassic Park 9.5/10
Even just typing that title blows my mind, this movie was made in 1993 and 27 years later, it still looks better than most modern monster movies. Jurassic Park is everything. This movie is the perfect blend of horror, action, adventure and sci-fi.
(1991) Highway to Hell 7.5/10
This is an absolutely awesome 90’s horror movie. It has cameos from the entire Stiller family, even fucking Gilbert Gottfried. You also have Chad Lowe, who I truthfully didn’t even know existed. The story, set pieces and script are also all excellent. It’s darkly funny, well-paced and just a wild ride from start to finish.
(1990) The Exorcist 3 8.5/10
This movie, for a film following such an iconic movie, being a third film in a series, is just bafflingly good. The original writer of the first film is returning and his script as well as directorial product both deliver.
(1989) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 8/10
Indy is still Indy here, he’s fucking badass; his character and dialogue excel in this entry immensely. Not just dialogue but this film contains some of the best action choreography of the entire series, something that almost seems unfairly diminished through repetition. This movie is fucking awesome.
(1988) Akira 7.5/10
This story is one that would feel very difficult to pull off through traditional media. The level of violence and body horror would possibly be even too much for Cronenberg’s plate. The ending of this film is mind-melting.
(1988) Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 7.5/10
It’s violent, dark, disgusting and gory as fuck. It feels like a fever dream of hell. I loved the female character kind of forcing this disgusting erotic nature and it doubled down on the series soul which is the deadly allure of hell.
(1988) Vampire’s Kiss 7/10
I love American Psycho and watching this, I can see where a ton of the performance inspiration in that film came from. Cage’s body language here is so insanely expressive and probably my favorite part of the entire project. Even if you’ve seen this one before, I highly suggest a re-watch, there’s something special about it.
(1987) Fatal Attraction 7.5/10
Holy shit Glenn Close you goddamn crazy bitch, such a great performance. This movie is so incredibly and exponentially tense as it plays out. I loved Micheal Douglas and the entire film is just a reminder to never fucking cheat.
(1987) The Believers 7/10
It gets a bit absurd at certain points but the cult aspects are awesome. I also think it’s the first horror movie I’ve seen specifically about Santeria. It’s not perfect but it stuck with me.
(1987) The Lost Boys 8/10
Joel Schumacher’s The Lost Boys is so indicative of 80’s horror that it could very well be the face of the decade itself. The one-liners, the practical effects, aesthetics and story are all just wonderful. I’m not sure what else to say, this movie feels like a warm blanket to me.
(1986) Little Shop of Horrors 8/10
Rick Moranis is as goofy as ever and good god…the practical effects are mind-blowing. You’re watching this giant plant movie and it just melts your brain thinking about how it was accomplished.
(1986) Aliens 7/10
They exploited the action of the first film to capture a larger audience and lost what made Alien such an effective horror movie in the first place. I still like this movie because it contains my favorite heroin and monster but I’m sick of acting like the Alien series ever needed a director like Cameron. The ending is absolutely insane and bumps this up a few points for sure.
(1984) The Terminator 8/10
This movie, simply put, is badass as shit. I’m aware the series kind of progresses into more action focused territory with the sequels but the original will always be a horror movie to me. The pacing, the unstoppable force that is Arnold, it’s all thrilling as shit.
(1984) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 8/10
I think it’s a scary movie and a really dark turn in the trilogy. There are quirky aspects of it character wise that are kind of goofy but playful. Overall though, goddamn dude, these set pieces are amazing.
(1984) Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter 7/10
Jason is super fucking powerful here; he moves quickly, intelligently and is able to drive the suspense of the movie. The success is greatly attributed to a solid performance by Crispin Glover but more importantly, Corey Feldman. I know Corey gets a lot of shit these days but he was an eclectic child actor.
(1981) Raiders of the Lost Ark 9/10
Raiders of the Lost Arc is such an important movie to me. It helped open my eyes to darker content as a child, for better or worse. Everything that could ever be said about this film has been said, I’m just here to show my appreciation.
(1980) City of the Living Dead 8/10
This movie is batshit insane in the best way possible. It’s ultra-gory, tons of crazy impressive practical effects which are very much Fulci in style. The narrative is a bit confusing but I think, or hope at least, intentionally so.
(1980) The Ninth Configuration 7/10
The Ninth Configuration, while still representing William Peter Blatty’s struggle with religion, is tonally very different from The Exorcist. It’s a tedious, slow, detail oriented, character driven film that exceeds so well because of great writing.
(1979) Nosferatu the Vampire 8/10
This film not only embodies and celebrates the original in terms of structure as well as substance, but in its restrained filmmaking methods; its ability to let shots live without intervention. It’s atmospheric, well-trimmed and just an all-around, exceptional film. Klaus Kinsi as Nosferatu is perfect.
(1979) The Amityville Horror 7/10
I like James Brolin’s character, he’s odd and the axe sharpening is somewhat iconic. The film has both pacing issues as well as dialogue issues. With that being said though, the finale in sinister as fuck and really brings life, quite literally, to this evil house.
(1979) Alien 9.5/10
My love for this single film transcends my love for the genre itself. Ridley Scott pulled off an absolute masterpiece and despite having watched it 25 times, I still cannot comprehend how a film of this quality was pulled off in 1979. It’s as close as perfection can be.
(1978) Dawn of the Dead 8/10
Obviously at first glance you can tell this is a really lengthy film at over 2-hours long. However, the pacing is actually my favorite part. Romero really builds up to the climax slowly and lets you linger in his world for such a long time that it becomes fleshed out through pure exposure.
(1978) Slave to the Cannibal God 7/10
I love the visuals, the story and Ursula Andress’ great big dirty milkers. It’s a wonderful, sleazy little exploitation film. The audio is also fantastic; I just love the way this film is edited all around.
(1977) Shock Waves 7/10
Peter Cushing is awesome and I really liked Brooke Adams as well. Despite the cheesy premise though, this film is dark and moody. The tension and action really builds throughout the film and with the atmospheric nature, you kind of forget the ridiculousness of it all.
(1975) Satanico Pandemonium 7/10
This is a pretty great, atmospheric, old-school exploitation film. It dives right into the temptations of sex and the devil among this convent. It gets pretty fucking dark, especially for the time period, specifically for Mexican horror.
(1974) Vampyres 9/10
It’s dark, moody, sexy and offers one of the most unique vampire film experiences to date. It’s a film that makes Dennis’ idea from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia about a full-penetration, Dolph Lundgren crime fighting movie seem almost plausible.
(1973) Soylent Green 8/10
I loved all the concepts and details in this film. It took me a bit to get invested but once I was, real food was replaced with gold in my brain watching the plot play out. Charlton Heston did a great job of bringing life to this fictional universe as well through his dynamic and invested performance.
(1973) The Crazies 7/10
There’s this great scene with this old lady knitting that I just adore. The innocent and violent clash in such an effective way. Obviously the horror aspects in that scene, as well as the virus itself are very fictional. The government response though, seems almost plausible, considering how they’re currently handling Covid-19.
(1972) Horror Express 8/10
It’s genuinely creepy to this day and the storyline is ambitious as fuck. I’d be hard-pressed to say it’s not one of the better horror-sci-fis of the 70’s and that category includes some great fucking films.
(1968) Even the Wind is Afraid 8/10
Coming over a decade before Suspiria, I can’t but feel, despite how unknown this film is, how influential it was to the genre. The story is great; it’s not super violent or anything and when they do show anything, it’s so well built up. It’s either a reveal at either peak tension or the opposite, when it’s least expected.
(1967) Our Mother’s House 8/10
Jack Clayton, simply for directing The Innocents, is one of my favorite directors. He manages to capture super poignant emotional moments unlike no one else. We have some great modern directors working today that do the same but in terms of 1960's horror, it was harder to come by.
(1967) Violated Angels 7/10
It’s actually based on an American case, about a man Richard Speck who broke into a hospital in 1966, raped and murdered eight nurses. The cinematography is startling cold. The dialogue is profound and helpless. This has to be up there with the most cynically sexualized piece of exploitation cinema.
(1964) Lady in a Cage 7.5/10
It’s a really great little thriller with a solid performance by Olivia de Havilland and also James Caan. I think this movie captures such a helpless nature really well.
(1964) The Last Man on Earth 7.5/10
I loved this movie. It’s actually one of my favorite Price films, which at least for me, is a bold statement. His films tend to have this warm, campy feel to them but this one actually felt pretty dark and desolate. It still contains those less-serious scenes and bits of dialogue but the writing and ideas themselves feel like a huge leap forward for the horror genre.
(1960) The Virgin Spring 9/10
This is clearly the inspiration for The Last House on the Left and while I appreciate that film immensely, it didn’t evoke the same emotions this one did. The cinematography, per-Bergman, is impeccable.
(1958) The Fly 7.5/10
The plot is actually non-linear and the first half is my favorite. Patricia Owens plays up the paranoia of her character incredibly well and I was actually really happy to see Price in a supporting role.
(1956) Forbidden Planet 8/10
I personally think it’s one of the best sci-fi films of the decade. I know I’m going to get chirped for saying this but there’s even a scene towards the end that I believe could have inspired the tesseract in Interstellar.
(1935) The Black Room 7/10
This is another Universal horror film starring Karloff, directed by Roy Neill. It presents itself with the usual, tight-knit flair you may have come to expect but it somehow has seen much less recognition than any of the major monster movies. I really liked this movie.
(1932) The Old Dark House 8/10
This is also Karloff’s best look to date. I mean seriously, his performance is pretty muted and mostly expressed in body language but he has the same screen presence as Mickey Rourke.

The human gazed at the aliens around him and knew, just knew, he was in a LOT of trouble.
They were not much to look at. Small. Furry. Possessing faintly rodent like features. Their powerful hindlegs had them leaping quite large distances. When humans first encountered this species their initial impression was of some kind of hybrid of Kangaroos, harvest mice and Hobbits.
Their gentle and passive nature and their habit of communal sleeping had led humans to call them ‘Dormice’ out of affection.
The human wanted, very much wanted, to go back home and inform his fellow humans that this was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
The Yucani did not appreciate the term. The Yucani did not appreciate a lot of things. Mostly, right now, this group of about 400 of them did not appreciate him.
Their angry chirps and trills grow in intensity as they hopped angrily around him. Younger males would seemingly leap towards him at high speed, before landing close with a furious hissing noise. While the human could speak Yucani, he could barely understand them as they trilled so quickly. He held up his hands in what he hoped was a universal sign of surrender.
The human may not have been an expert on Yucani culture, but he was fairly sure he knew what a lynch mob looked like. The mass of small creatures had cornered him against a wall and continued to gaze at him balefully. Each passing moment they seemed to increase in anger, in their aggression, in their potential for violence.
A stone slammed into the wall besides him.
Three things happened immediately. The human saw the stones arrival seemed to give the Yucani the idea that this was a brilliant innovation.
Oh crap! They are going to stone me!
The largest Yucani in the mob, stood about seven feet away from him, suddenly removed a vicious looking knife, with a long serrated edge.
It’s gonna stab me!
And a roar of a Yucani constabulary patrol ship suddenly was heard, its distinctive sound causing many of the small creatures at the back to turn their heads.
The police! They’re gonna save me!
As the vechicle moved closer, more and more of the mob heard it and the human was very relieved to see that they didn’t start picking up rocks and the one with a knife, his large brown eyes filled with fury and rage, slowly returned the knife back to his clothing.
The craft landed, and six Yucani got out; their green uniforms were armoured, which made them look actually impressive (the human had long ago realised that only the larger members of the race were ever chosen for their constabulary).
They slowly hopped towards the mob, who had now turned and were trilling and squeaking in high pitched tones towards the newly arrived officers.
The human gulped down a breath of air. The sense of relief and gratitude he felt was immense. He was saved. As the officers made their way towards him, the crowd parting, he felt his legs go weak. He wanted to collapse. But he managed to hold it together long enough, to offer a grateful smile as one finally made his way towards him, dividing his fellow Yuanci like the Moses before the Red Sea.
“I am very happy to see you,” says the human, smiling down at the Yucani constabulary officer. It responds by removing a short grey metallic pole and jabbing it into the humans leg.
Pain. SO much pain. A searing, agonising, exploding pain that begins in his leg and races through every single nerve cluster in his body. The human convulses and screams, his bladder empties and he almost instantly drops into unconsciousness from the agony. He falls into a crumpled heap against the wall. The Yucani officer, ignoring the little cheer that had began from his fellow species, gazed down at the human with contempt and spat.
Two months later…
The young human, manacled and bound is thrown into the small conference room the aliens had built for this meeting. His eyes glance up and fall upon the first human face he had seen in many weeks.
“Oh God, thank you. Are you here to save me?”
The other human was in his fifties; his eyes bore the look of a man who had seen many things, perhaps too many. His suit was well made, sensible, if not slightly on the conservative side.
In response to the question he smiles gently and says, “Kid, I’m fairly sure only God can save you. But I am here to try and help with the mess you are in.”
Relief, mixed with wild joy fill the prisoners face. The younger man spots a chair to sit in (the room had the familiar setting of two human shaped chairs and a desk between them), and falls into it in a heap, his manacled hands landing heavily upon the table.
“Oh, thank you! You need to get me off this planet. The conditions I’ve been kept in have been awful. I am totally isolated. A hole in the ground with a large vent in the ceiling. They throw food down to me. The place stinks.”
The older man raises an eyebrow, “That’s good. You getting off lightly.”
“Lightly? The entire thing stinks like a sewer.”
“That’s because it probably IS a sewer,” shrugs the older man, reaching for a briefcase by his side.
“What?”
“Yucani prisons. They don’t incarcerate anyone but worst offenders on their world. The closest they have to prisons are specially made sewers.”
“That’s…”
“Tell me, have random Yucani been coming along and urinating and crapping into your cell as they pass?”
“What? No. That’s horrible.”
As the older man places his briefcase upon the table between them, he smiles a cold, tight smile, “The Yucani word for ‘prisoner’ literally translates into English as ‘Eaters of Our Shit’. I think the fact that they are throwing you human food and not pissing on you qualifies as light treatment.”
The younger man’s jaw just drops. A stunned look of absolute horror crosses his face. The older human uses this as an excuse to open his briefcase, remove a heafty file in a manilla cover out (it lands on the table with a satisfying heavy sound), closes the briefcase and places it on the floor besides him.
“Are you from the Embassy?”
“No. I just arrived in-world an hour ago. Four days at warp. My guts feel mushy.”
“Oh. Are you a lawyer?”
“I afraid not. Formally the excuse the Embassy will give you is there are no humans conversant in the intricacies of Yucani jurisprudence to be able to offer effective advice. Off the record? No lawyer in the entire solar system would touch your case. So, they sent me. I’m a specialist.”
“What in?”
“Apparently being human,” says the older man, who opens the folder and begins scanning the pages underneath. The younger man is too confused to say anything which suits the older one just fine. He glances up into the scared eyes of the prisoner.
“Andrew Montgomery Eversham, born 2118, Britain. British? Should have figured. Father was an engineer on Ares station, mother was… French. Well that explains much.”
“What does my mother have to do with anything?”
The older man gazes him up and down and asks, “Only child huh?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Thought so. Right, Mr Eversham. Do you know what they are charging you with?”
“No one has told me anything at all. I was performing, and the next thing I know I was being chased by a mob of angry Dormice, and then one of their police…”
“Yucani. Not Dormice.”
“What?” Eversham’s eyes widen, and he nods, “Yes, right. I know. I figured that out. But you know its just us here.”
“Saying Dormouse to describe a Yucani is like being home and using the word ‘Kike’. It’s a derogative term. An insult. Maybe not enough to get you punched, but we don’t do that.”
“Alright. Yes. I understand. I will try. Good job you ain’t Jewish eh?”
“Bad news I’m afraid. I am.”
“Oh.”
The older man scans through the documents and frowns.
“You are charged with a multitude of offenses. The first of which is Causing Great Disgust of Public Morals; Crude and Offensive Language; Heresy towards the Gods of the Yucani; Causing a Disturbance of the Peace… what were you doing?”
“I was doing my routine.”
“Routine?”
“I’m a comedian. Stand up.”
There was a raised eyebrow.
“You are comedian?”
“Yes.”
“And you caused this reaction?”
“Apparently.”
“Gonna say Kid, I’d work on your act.”
Eversham blinks and his face contorts with frustration, “Are you here to help me or not?”
The older man however just gazes at the file before him, “As well as the above you are charged with Inciting a Yucani to Wish to Commit Violence- this is a serious offense by itself, but they have charged you with inciting every individual in the crowd who heard you. So that’s 496 separate charges. And given each one carries a possible death sentence…”
“Death sentence? I could die?”
The older man smiles coldly across the table, “And we haven’t even gotten onto the serious allegations yet. So far, its just been the warm up. Now it says here that you perform under a different name.”
“Yeah. Abe Froman.”
“What?”
“Abe Froman. You know from that old movie.”
“What old movie?”
“A 20th century classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The character of Abe Froman- the Sausage King of Chicargo? You must have heard of it?”
The older human raises his eyebrows high.
“No ‘Abe’ I haven’t. Neither have the Yucani. Which means they arrested someone called Abe Froman, only then to discover his real name is Andrew Eversham.”
“It’s my stage name.”
“The Yuctani don’t have concepts for ‘stage names’. All they know is a human arrived on planet with one name and then started using another name once here. And THIS is why they have charged you with espionage.”
“ESPIONAGE!!?”
“Yes. Specifically, because of the two names thing. And THEN because they think you are some kind of human agent, but don’t know what exactly you could have been up to, they assume the worst and charged you with everything they think you COULD have been here to do. That’s what the rest of the folder is.”
Andrew gazes at the thick pages with a look of absolute terror. The older humans eyes begin scanning; “So, from the top, ‘Suspected of Wishing to Assassinate the Emperor of the Yucani; Suspected of wishing to Assassinate the Chancellor of the Emperor of the Yucani…”
He moves forward a few pages.
“Suspected of wishing to put poison in the water supply of the cities of Heshis and Jebin…”
“But I…”
The older man lifts up more pages and smiles, “Suspected of seeking to violate the sacred virginity of the High Priestess of Rho- that’s impressive.”
“Are you serious? This is a joke.”
“Deadly serious,” hisses the old man, who closes the file with a loud thump. He fixes Eversham with a fierce stare.
“I gotta tell you ‘Abe’- you are in so much trouble right now that EarthGov is an inch away from washing their hands of you, throwing you to the Yucani and letting them take dumps on your for the rest of your short life. I am, literally, the only hope in hell you have of surviving and if I’m being honest- it aint much of a hope.”
“But it was just a few jokes,” mews Eversham, his eyes welling up with tears.
“Who thought it would be a good idea to travel to another planet and do stand up comedy?”
“My agent.”
“Your agent? What did you do? Sleep with his wife?”
“No,” comes the panicked reply.
“Didn’t you even do some basic research on what the Yucani considered humour?”
“No. I thought it would be more interesting to just turn up and see how they reacted to human jokes… you know… see the raw reaction.”
The older man is briefly speechless. He takes a breath and says quietly, “Gotta admire your chutzpah Kid. Not smart but that’s a LOT of chutzpah…”
“Why would EarthGov throw me under the bus? I don’t understand. I screwed up sure, but…”
He stops as the older man just holds up a hand. He gazes into his eyes as the first human he has seen in months speaks very quietly.
“Here’s the deal. As far as we can tell, a couple of months ago, this young human leaves Earth and flies to Yucani homeworld. He passes customs, checks into a Yucani version of a hotel and asks if they have versions of ‘clubs’. He discovers that, being social creatures, Yucani do indeed have these places where they gather to be entertained. Brilliant says he. The human goes to one of these. This human, he is not entirely ignorant- he’s learned basic Yucani. Not much, but enough to converse conversationally.”
The older mans stare nails the young man to his chair.
“So he goes there and meets the Yucani in charge. Explains that he is a ‘human entertainer’. Asks if he can perform. The Yucani, like the rest of his species? They get on well with us. We share similar traits. We have had good relations since the Treaty of Commerce and Travel was signed fifteen years ago. Sure, he says. He announces this human. Who gets on stage. But does not sing. Doesn’t dance. He talks. He talks to them. He says some pretty damn insulting things about them. He ignores their obvious growls of displeasure.”
“I thought they were laughing!”
“You thought wrong kid. The crowd sat for about twenty minutes getting madder and then decides enough is enough. They chase him out of the club, across two streets and corner him outside of his hotel. Where he is arrested and not lynched because the club owner rang the constabulary. Have I missed anything out?”
“No,” says Eversham quietly.
“So the EarthGov embassy gets informed of all this and do what they do and move to smooth ruffled fur. It’s just a misunderstanding they say. It’s an easy mistake they say. Their records show he is JUST a comedian. But here’s the thing kid. Yucani don’t have comedians. They don’t get it. So the Ambassador tries to explain it to them. Which in turn leads to a discussion about a very unique trait we humans have that Yucani do NOT have. Know what that is?”
“A sense of humour?” Eversham says, literally unable to help himself. He is surprised at the response.
“Well spotted. They have one but it is nothing like our own. They became fascinated at our sense of humour and then in quick measure, horrified at it. They find the very essence of human humour to be offensive, aggressive, cruel and vicious. Their government is considering tearing up the Treaty between our two races. Literally, your little stunt has caused the MOTHER of all diplomatic incidents.”
“I… I had… no idea,” stammers the Englishman.
“That comes as no surprise to me whatsoever,” comes the hissed reply. The older man sighs and rubs his eyes and continues. “Now the GOOD news is, given the severity of the charges you face, the nature of the issue, and the sheer monumental insanity of this whole thing, the Yucani have decided to not bother with all the minor courts, judges, appleant proceadures. You are going to be tried by the top court on the planet. The Ultimate Court. One trial, one hearing, one.”
Eversham just nods.
“The bad news is, it won’t be you alone on trial. It will be the entire human species. And our sense of humour. Somehow, just somehow, we have to convince these creatures that actually our sense of humour isn’t just an awful trait that they find offensive. And that means somehow, just somehow, I’ve got to defend human comedy in front of a species who has no concept of comedy at all.”
The older man sighs.
“And I thought raising my eldest daughter was tough!”
There is a silence. The full weight of the moment clearly hits the young man. He lowers his head and fights back tears. Eventually, without looking up, he says quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you are kid.”
“I’ve been a fool.”
“This much EVERYONE can agree upon.”
“I never meant to cause this…”
The older man sighs again, “I know you didn’t kid. Everyone knows you didn’t MEAN it. Doesn’t make it any easier for folks back home.”
Andrew Eversham nods. Displaying the stoicism his nation was famed for, he remains very quiet. Tears drip off his nose but he makes no sound. The older man just looks at him, an iota of sympathy creeping into his sad eyes. Moments pass. Eversham finally speaks.
“It… maybe it would be better if everyone just wrote me off. Said I was insane. Aberrational. Throw me under the bus. Let everyone get on with it?”
A small sad smile crosses the older mans face.
“To be blunt, that is what a LOT wanted to do back in EarthGov. A lot still do. But it’s too late for that. The whole race is in the mix now. Like it or not, we gotta jump on this ride and see it through to the end. And this is why they sent me. Because some fool thinks that if anyone can win this, can somehow get you off, its me.”
“Are you a diplomat?”
“No, no, nothing like that.”
“So why did they send you?”
“Beats me kid. I mean I have a rough idea, but really? I think they sent me because they are desperate.”
“What do you do for a living?”
A smile.
“For my sins? I’m a Rabbi.”
Four Days Later; The Grand Chamber of the Yucani Ultimate Court
Rabbi Johnathan Cohen had to admit- it was impressive. For such a small race, the Yucani could do ‘grand’. As he looked around the chamber of the highest judiciary on their planet, he could imagine it being used for an equally impressive purpose back on Earth. Of course on Earth the décor and colour scheme would be a tad different. More imposing.
Regal even. This?
It reminded him of the garish interior of some Western Bordelo from the 1890’s if he was honest. Still, the gold and purples and reds didn’t distract from the gravitas of the assembly or the importance of the room.
Or the size of the crowd.
EarthGov told him it was going to be a big show. They were not kidding. The five judges (known as a ‘claw’ the standard designation in all Yucani trials apparently) were looking impressive in their yellow robes of office, but they were upstaged by everyone else. The importance of the nature of this trial had demanded that anyone who was anyone would be here.
Rabbi Cohen could see the heir to the Yucani Empire had arrived (representing his father and 83 siblings); the Minister for Relations With The Hairless Ones (the formal designation for the poor Yucani official who dealt with humans) was also there, talking to him in hurried trills.
There were delegations of all the great and the good of this species, including The High Matron of the Sacred Priestesses of Rho, whose arrival caused him to smile inwardly. And it wasn’t just the Yucani who were here.
The unique nature of the diplomatic spat had caused interest from a half dozen other species. He saw the Ambassador of the Tu-Kek sitting within a glass encased sphere; the Emissary of the Golden Hive, which sat unmoving upon a perch, witnessing all that it relayed to the collective hive mind of the crew of the colony/ship that had arrived in orbit a few days before.
There was even a Frosh there, hovering enigmatically in its encounter suit, and the Frosh didn’t seem interested in anything except fractal mathematical equations most of the time. None of the species knew a damn thing about them- highly advanced but utterly abstract.
And there were the other humans. The Ambassador was there looking nervous (he was partly to blame for messing up the aftermath of the event- his job was on the line); the Commodore of Human Forces in the nearest sector was to his right, looking bored (only here because EarthGov was slightly worried this could end in a war). The attractive secretary (who everyone whispered the Ambassdor was sleeping with), sat on the other side of the Commodore, his handsom eyes glancing at the proceedings nervously.
And this ignored the several hundred normal Yucani who had managed to gain attendance to the trial. Rabbi Cohen took a sip of water and muttered to himself, “No pressure then Johnathan…”
“What?”
He turned to the rather pathetic figure of Andrew Eversham besides him. He wasn’t chained, and he had been issued new clothing, but his eyes were sunken and he looked the very image of a broken man.
“Nothing kid,” he says kindly, “you ready for this?”
“No,” comes the dispondant reply. For some reason Johnathan smiles at this.
“That’s the way. Honesty is always the best policy.”
The beating of a gavel is enough to start the proceedings. Ear pieces to allow fluent translations of all sides words are donned, and Rabbi Cohen takes a deep breath. Yucani trials followed a slightly differing format than humans- but the jist was roughly the same. The ‘prosecution’ he noticed was a grey furred alien, whose somewhat rotund body revealed him to be a corpulent and well fed member of his species. No doubt some great legal mind.
The trial passed quickly enough- the facts were not in dispute and indeed the defence case being as it was (the human in question was ignorant of any harm he could cause and meant no malice) was not even seriously contested by the state. No, in truth the real reckoning lay in the deeper issue of human sense of humour, and how in would colour future Human-Yucani relations.
Eventually, after about an hour, the rotund alien hopped back towards his table and began trilling in low, dark tones. In Cohen’s ear the translation came across clearly.
Which leads us, most supreme claw, to the crux of the issue. The human’s case rests upon a simple defense; he was innocent of any illwill towards our peoples, but sought to ‘entertain’ us with an example of human ‘humour’. This has led to our people investigating this aspect of the aliens personalities, and what we have found is disturbing indeed.
Johnathan watched closely as little creature trilled and squeaked in strong tones, his brown eyes forever gazing around him; while he was no expert on Yucani bodylanguage, Cohen knew showboating when he saw it. The little fat furball was playing to the crowd, playing upon the sensibilities of his race.
We have found humans delight in mockery; in lampooning; in deriding. They claim they do the same to themselves, as if this excuses them, as if it gives them the writ to inflict such things upon the rest of the galaxy. For a human, mockery of their institutions and their leaders is to be expected. But as we all KNOW- such things are anathema to we Yucani; where the familial bonds of love and honour are as natural to us as breathing…
The Rabbi tried hard not to roll his eyes. The prosecution was laying it on thick. Really thick. He watched as the creature hopped and trilled, waving its little arms about, modulating its voice expertly. He could see every Yucani in the room moved by this; their noses twitched, eyes welled up, their tails would go back and forth violently.
Carefully the Rabbi listened as the little creature moved onto the mainstay of his argument.
Is it not said by the Goddess Rho, that ‘all things shall be in its natural place, from star to planet, from ruler to bondman’; does not Rho teach us that there is only joy to be found in ‘careful appreciation of the natural order of all things’? Is it not said within our most sacred texts that ‘The ONLY path towards elevation of a soul, is through acceptance of its time within the body’? These are the foundations of our very society, our very civilisations…
The prosecution begins waxing lyrical about the virtues of the civilisation of the Yucani, but Johnathan was only half listening. There was a religious aspect to this after all?
As he mused on the sacred words of the Rho, part of him wondered if the wiley President of Earth was smarter than he liked to appear. Did the old guy KNOW this was going to be their approach? Is this why he sent him?
His thoughts are broken as the prosecution brings his long and somewhat vaudevillian diatribe to its conclusion…
…which bases itself upon mockery, and lampoon and cruelty towards living things are ideas we Yucani cannot afford to allow infect our civilisation. They gnaw at its roots. They will in time infest our nests. Supreme Claw, I must ask, no implore, no BEG of you, to issue an edict which petitions our Emperor to reconsider allowing these humans access to our world. Lest one night, one terrible night, the scenes we saw, where a single voice defiles the virtues of our culture are repeated… but this time by one of our own children.
Cohen takes a breath and smiles to himself. He glances over at the ambassador who looks back nervously. Besides him the quiet voice of Andrew Eversham says, “I really screwed this all up didn’t I?”
“Yes kid. But look on the bright side?”
“There’s a bright side?”
“It’s not everyday you get to be accused of defiling an entire civilisation. Think about how it will look on your CV?”
Rabbi Cohen stands as his opposing side sits down heavily. He picks up a small card wherein the correct honourifics needed to address the court are clearly printed and runs through the formalities quickly enough. That done he gazes at the five judges for a moment, and shrugs.
“The human sense of humour. Where do I, one of our species, even BEGIN to start describing this complex thing that lies at the heart of who we are, to your most Supreme Claw? There are great minds on Earth who have wondered about this for many centuries and reached no conclusion. And yet it is clear, I must. So let me try and break this down into a way I feel the Yucani can understand and I hope, accept it, for all its imperfections.”
“It is a question often asked by us humans- what makes us laugh? What is the source of our humour? The prosecution would have you believe it is cruelty and mockery. And from the surface it would appear so. But allow me to illustrate that human humour is complicated and made up of many levels.”
He strides out from behind his table, keeping his voice low and his eyes focused on the judges.
“The starting point is incongruity. We humans like you Yucanti had an issue with incongruity. Evolutionary speaking our ancestors, like yours, lived lives fearing predators; both our species in our ancient past? We would gaze, eyes to the horizon, forever searching for danger. We learned well the safety in patterns, the formal, fixed nature of our surroundings. Anything out of place, incongruous, we would be drawn to. It spelt danger, it spelt threat.”
“For my species, long after we had evolved past the need to spot such things, we had this trait inherent still within us. Why do I stress this? When humans spot an incongruity in nature, when it does not threaten us? We laugh. An exclamation of relief. Identical to what Yucani call the ‘musk of fear ending’. For your species it is natural and normal. Same with ours. Yours is scent. Ours is sound. Identical reactions. A thing we have in common yes?”
A few aliens nod at this. A good start.
“However this is not the full basis of our humour. Incongruity cannot be the full extent of our humour. If I was to find a shoe in a dishwasher, or you were to find Gurnix inside a Flubuton, that in itself would not be the cause of humour to us. It would be odd, but not humorous. The key for us humans is that incogurity has to be of a correct kind. For humans it has to involve a shift of perspective. The great human psychologist, Koestler, pointed out that for humans this shift is all important. An example would be…”
He nods to one of the technicians and displayed in the air in both languages are words.
When is a door not a door?
When it is a jar!
“This is an example of that type of humour. Incongruity presenting a perspective shift.”
There is utter silence from the audience and he scans the translation and smiles.
“Of course the joke does not translate at all to your race. The play on contexts and language is entirely lost to you. But notice how my fellow humans did not laugh either. Such things are primitive; plays on words, sudden perspective shifts. Proto-Jokes almost. I raise it to establish the baseline of our humour.”
“We humans have many of these jokes. We call them things like ‘knock-knock jokes’ and ‘lightbulb jokes’. They are not truly appealing to our humour, the highest compliment they can get is to be called clever, for you see they are missing a particular element of humour which the prosecution has done well to highlight.”
“What they miss, is a degree of cruelty.”
The little rotund advocate for the state stands and begins trilling in high pitched tones. Cohen waits for the translation to come through.
So you admit that humans revel in cruelty?
He smiles, “No.”
But you just said that your humour needs cruelty!
“A certain type, yes. But not the type you described.”
Semantics! Your supreme clawness, I urge you end this nonsense…
We will hear the human defence, intones the oldest, long whiskered judge, As we are curious as not how they will justify this.
“I thank the indulgence of the court,” smiles Cohen, and he takes a breath.
“There remains, there always will, an aspect of human behaviour that is mistaken for our humour but is not. This is how we humans use laughter. Laughter is a physical response to things. Mostly to humour yes, but also, and this is where the prosecution made their mistake, it can be a sound of triumph. At such times the sound is indeed dark and unmistakably cruel. Many have observed that for all the love we have of the sound of laughter it is by volume and in ferocity, an aggressive sound. And there exists many examples of our species using laughter when committing acts of cruelty.”
He shrugs, “It was only a few centruies ago that it became unfashionable to visit the places we kept our psychically and mentally disable for the purpose of laughing at them. We thought it good sport to look upon their pain. All of human history contains accounts of how public executions were raucous affairs, we would attend and celebrate the killing of one of our own, often with laughter as the guillotine came down upon them…”
Rabbi Cohen sighs heavily, “When I was younger I once saw a picture. Germany. The 1930’s. A small child, a Jewish boy, was being forced to clean the street on his hands and knees. Around him stood adults and they were laughing. This isn’t human humour, it’s cruelty. There are countless episodes of torturers laughing as they inflict pain. Of laughter being heard from mass shooters, from soldiers in war, at our most darkest moments. These things I do not refute. But point out a similarity of experience between our species.”
“Every species in the galaxy knows Yucani are fastidious in cleaning, how they value healthy and clean fur. No Yucani would ever dose another in urine for example. What then of your treatment of prisoners? Are we to take that as indicative of Yucani finding such things acceptable? Of course not. It is a certain, dark aspect of your society, misunderstood except BY your species. This is the same as using laughter by humans in moments of cruelty. It is separate FROM the debate about humour.”
He takes a breath and a sip of water before continuing.
“No, to say human humour is incognuity mixed with cruelty is too simplistic. It has to be the right type of cruelty…”
What do you mean the right type of cruelty? asks the supreme judge.
Johnathan Cohen thinks for a moment and smiles, “On Earth, a wise man called Mel Brooks once asked the question- what is the difference between tragedy and comedy?”
What was his answer?
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole cover and die.”
The Ambassadors secretary bursts out laughing, the sound carries across the room, ALL eyes fall upon him. Hurridly he covers his mouth, going red in the process.
“And you see the very nature of it right there. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity and a certain element of cruelty, producing an involuntary response. Laughter.”
He pauses for a moment and says quietly, “In our distant past, in the year 1991 of our calander, a human writer called David Barry said the following, “The most important humor truth of all is that to really see the humour in a situation, you have to have perspective. ‘Perspective’ is derived from two ancient Greek words: ‘persp’ meaning ‘something bad happens to someone else’ and ‘ective’ meaning ‘ideally someone like Donald Trump’.”
At this all the humans bursts out laughing and Rabbi Cohen holds up his hands, “Again- the involuntary reaction. I won’t bother to explain it your honours, just to say that last statement was a joke designed to highlight something.”
“The core cruelty here is that someone must lose dignity. As we humans say be brought down a peg or two, or be knocked off a pedestal. It can be used by the mob as a weapon, and YES, it does have a subversive power. One of our ancients, a man called Plato, thought humour was destabalsing to the state and should be banned from it, which for us humans? Tell us much about the kind of guy Plato actually was.”
See? This is my allegation Supreme Claw. The human ADMITS what I am saying is true…
“What we do you got right, WHY we do it you got wrong. I heard you speaking about how Rho says we must appreciate the time our souls connect with our bodies correct?”
The prosecution’s whiskers twitch a little, and carefully it says Yes
“Well, the most basic, the most universal, the most raw and successful brand of comedy, the one my clients version was but a verbal variation of, the one that transcends the many human languages, is humour based upon just that. The realisation that there is a split between the soul, the essence of a human, and these dull, mundane frail bodies we exist in. What a psychologist once called the ‘dualism of subtle mind and inert matter’. “
“We call that humour, slapstick.”
He grins to himself.
“The core of all slapstick is the ‘the blow and the fall’. It can be as simple as a human slipping on the skin of recently eaten fruit. Or elaborate and detailed, but at its core is something very important. We understand, totally, the immortality of the soul, what the Goddess Rho holds to essence of being, but we also recognise the limitations of the body. Your species finds solance in holding to the immutable structure of the universe to reconcile this correct? We reconcile it by finding humor when we are reminded that these frail bodies cannot match the perfection of what lies within.”
“All of this is just by way of explaining this…”
An image appears on screen. It is a small human infant, wearing a sundress, maybe aged about 2 or 3 years old. Walking towards them is an image of Rabbi Cohen. He smiles at the child, and walks towards her and then, suddenly, slips and lands on his backside, a look of mock shock on his face. And at that, the court room is filled with the sound of the small child laughing, laughing hard; uncontrollable laughter, a sound that makes every human in the room smile. The image ends.
“Your honours, THAT is the most beloved sound on my home planet. The sound of an innocent child laughing. It transcends cultures and languages, transcends time. It delights us like NO other sound. We can spend hours just trying to get children to make it.”
“Consider then what you just saw? An innocent- capable of no higher functions of thought; an infant. It’s reactions are primal. But what DID you see? An infant is able to identify itself as a being, and me as a separate being. It saw the classic imposition upon my being by this mundane body. I tripped and slipped on my tuchus. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity. One second I am stood, the next I am not. Mixed with the RIGHT kind of cruelty. Misfortune happening to another. But notice my reaction- my mock smile? My grand daughter realises that it is not hurting me and responds with a spontainious reaction of laughter.”
“THIS is at its base, the core of ALL human comedy and humour; it is based on empathy, and innocence. Not for her convoluted explanations involving cruelty and mockery. Just instinct. As we grow we develop more sophisticated methods to find humour but at its core? That is it. Is that not a demonstration of how our humour is as identical as your veneration of the soul within the body? The acceptance of the duality of body and spirit?”
Rabbi Cohen smiles, gently and turns to the Judges.
“Your honours, I urge you to dismiss this case. And I urge you to do so because let me tell you what will happen to the defendant. He will be released. He will return home. And when he does? He will become the subject of many, many jokes. He bore no ill will in his heart towards your race- but he was a schmuck.”
What is a schmuck?
“It’s a certain type of human. For the Yucani? A schmuck will forever be my client.”
In his chair the stand up comedian opens his mouth and then closes it. Defeated.
“He will return home and we will make stories about what he did. We will laugh at his foolishness, his ignorance, his pride….”
And we so gonna have fun with you little fat gerbil, he thinks but does not say as he eyes the prosecutor.
“And our ambassador will sit down with the Crown Prince and they will add a provision to the Treaty of Trade and friendship that says, based on the psychological underpinnings of our two species, and given we recognise that we share in common a belief of the duality of our existence and indeed of the existence of the soul, that human humour is a natural byproduct of our evolution like musk scenting is part of yours. Neither of our species share these traits, so lets not inflict it upon the other huh?”
“That would seem to me to be a most equitable and fair solution.”
The judges consulte one another, the Yucani remove their translation devices, but Johnathan can see their chirpings are appreciative. He may not have convinced them humans are FUNNY… but he may have convinced them to let this slide. He sits down at his table, gathers up his case note and begins to place them inside his briefcase.
Besides him, the comedian gazes over and sees there, amidst the papers in the briefcase, a hard backed book… ‘On the origins of humor: why Neaderthals can’t take a joke’ by Dr Johnathan Cohen, and a sudden realisation crosses his mind and he whispers, “You wrote that?”
“When not studying the Torah, I dabble in evolutionary psychology. It pays the bills.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey kid, what we gonna do? Let aliens say we bad for liking to laugh? What’s next? We are sinful because we breath?”
As the court recesses, and the judges leave to make their judgement, Rabbi Cohen stands and turns to make his way over to the Ambassadour when he is stopped suddenly. There, before him, stands the representative of the Frosh. It’s towering form, its huge encounter suit, obscuring the being from within. It’s cold black visage, plain glass of some kind, looms balefully over him.
In all the hustle of the Yucani leaving, no one notices this member of the most elusive and obscure of all the alien species, make his way to stand before the human. Johnathan clears his throat and goes, “Hello?”
The alien just stands.
“Can I help you?”
The black screen suddenly flashes brief, fractal images upon it, who flare in and out of existing as quick as a human blink. At the same time a warbling high pitch noise emits from deep in the chest area.
The Rabbi blinks and says, “What?”
The images and the noise is repeated again. Realisation dawning, Rabbi Cohen places down his briefcase and picks up the translator device he was using back on the table.
“Say that again please?”
The images flash and the noise is made and two seconds later words form in the humans ear… a simple message…
Pull my finger.
There is a silence. Around them the Yucani chitter and trill but Johnathan Cohen begins to smile…

Quintessential Vladimir guide for season 11

 
Well hello there wonderful people. My name is Calvin and I stream under the name Elite500, as the title suggests, I’ve been challenger for 4 seasons now and ended it since the last 2.
 
I’ve played vlad throughout every meta, no matter how rough or how much the playstyle has changed, and I’m finally here, bringing to YOU the absolute ULTIMATE, QUINTESSENTIAL, HOLY guide, everything you will ever need for season 11. At the time of writing this guide I’ve played around 500 preseason games and half of them in high challenger.
 
Why play Vladimir? Doesn’t he actually suck? Isn’t he noobchamp?
 
Do you wish to experience the pleasure of entering teamfights and leaving them higher hp?
 
Do you want to dehumanise yourself to and not even recognise your fellow teammates as sentient meat lumps? Can you handle the responsibility to take every game post 20 minutes as your responsibility?
Of course you do.
 
 

Table of contents:

1. Setups: we’ll go over the main 2 setups including items, runes, summoners, and build
2. How to choose between the two setups and which play-style suits you best
3. Early laningphase and how to play matchups
4. Every matchup in the game including recommended setups for matchups
5. Unleashing unholy wrath upon your foes in mid to lategame
6. Combos
7. Skin choice

 

Setup one, the way of the gigalord:

Back in season 7 the chad vladimir players received an upgrade from thunderlords decree, electrocute, termed GIGALORDS back then, it’s power has been dormant and ever waiting since the nerfs of 2018.
 
This path is more optimally suited for those who wish to have devastating all in damage, those who wish to win lane as early as level 3, those who want to annihilate and leave them with .no counterplay 100-0s
 
This setup is best suited and optimally played against melee champions such as Sylas, Pantheon, Yone, Yasuo, Ekko, Akali, Kata, etc.
 

Summoner spells:

Ignite and flash are a must take with this setup, allowing you to deliver sudden oneshots with flash and having beyond unholy all in damage with ignite. Ignite also helps us with nimbus cloak and with procing electro.
 

Runes

Keystone:

Of course you’ll be taking electrocute as your keystone, it allows you to win a lot of trades early into the game, it’s easily proccable early with auto Q auto or auto E Q or even auto ignite Q.
The trading is nice although the main reason you take this keystone is for the HEINOUS all in damage it can do, most champions can literally be 100-0 oneshot at level 6 if they’re not innately invulnerable (looking at you galio).
 

Minor runes, domination:

Taste of blood is absolutely amazing and helps out in every melee matchup, feel free to swap this to sudden impact if you’re deranged and play this setup into ranged opponents. (sudden impact proccable with rocketbelt.
 
Poro ward is extremely consistent and can be stacked easily to grant you free 4 ap level 3 and 30 ap at around ~ 16 – 18 minutes depending on how actively you ward and where.
 
Ravenous hunter synergises so well with vlads huge point and click Q damage, easily accumulating 10’000 HP healed in a game. While it doesn’t sound like much, since the rune was changed from spellvamp to omnivamp it now will even heal you slightly on autohits even without stacks helping you outsustain early. Some crazy gamer chinese vlads will take ultimate hunter since their server is perma fighting, it’s also a viable choice but feels worse to me.

Secondary runes, sorcery:

For sure my favourite secondary tree to spec into, although this one is a lot more preference, I think all trees are balanced it’s just more playstyle, you flash like a maniac? Go inspiration cosmic insight with cdr shoes rush and enjoy less than 4 minute flash cooldown etc.
Transcendence holy MOLY this rune got such a nice change in season 11, 5 ability haste at level 5? Sign me the hell up. The ability cd refund is also amazing on vladimirs W since it’s basecooldown is like 30 seconds, allowing you sometimes to pool twice in fights.
 
Nimbus Cloak to make up for the lack of mobility before rocketbelt nimbus cloak helps out so much allowing you to kite and rundown pesky season 10 dashy champs with ease. Optionally gathering storm is also nice but with this rune setup you mostly play for early mid domination and nimbus is also great lategame. My games have been decided 1000x more by having more mobility in clutch scenarios than having 40 extra ap at 30 minutes.
For the mini runes always Ability haste, AP, and scaling hp
 

Build:

You best be prepared to build mejais.
 

Starting item:

Your starting item should be dark seal refillable every game, the dark seal buff now giving hp and 5 extra ap is absurdly good for vlad, random lucky early kills giving 10 ap is also beyond bonkers. Shaving off 350g on your mejais purchase is also essential.
 

First mythic:

Hextech Rocketbelt is by far the best mythic you can go in every game currently, amazing active, amazing components, amazing mythic passive, it’s just THAT good. The dash and ms is a great engage tool, hextech alternator synergises perfectly with your ridiculous ignite electro damage, the passive giving you 5 flat pen is amazing since you can get 18 from sorc shoes and another 5 from mejais since it counts as a legendary, the more flat pen you stack the more efficient it gets.
 

Second item:

Mejais Soulstealer allows you to single-handedly decide whether you wish to win the game or lose it, it’s a must buy and goes hand in hand with this playstyle, one two kills with a mejais, over 10 stacks? Literally the game is a done deal at this stage. Rocket belt mythic passive giving you 5 pen for a 1250g purchase makes it even good to buy at 0 stacks. I have completely 1v9’d too many games to count in the highest of elos because enemies make literally one mistake and die once.
 

Third item:

Void staff third? WTF what if enemies have no mr elite? Well let me tell you about this stupidly broken item that straight up out damages a god damn DEATHCAP even at 30 mr !? ? ? the item is 131% gold efficient, let alone when you pile up your 28 flat pen that you get from completing it. Remember flat pen reduces enemy MR AFTER the percentage, so let’s say someone has 50 magic resistance when you buy your void, magic resistance WH OMEGALUL? 28|40% stats on 50 mr leaves enemies with a whole 2 mr, 2 mr!!!!!
 

Fourth item:

Rabadons Deathcap while not nearly as good as it was last season still will round up your build, if you have just a few mejais stacks and you get these 4 holy items, the game is literally already over. Few champions can experience the delightful feel of going in 1v5 and returning at higher hp than before.
 

Shoes:

Unless you’re rocking cosmic insight and want türbo low summoner cd, sorc shoes are the must go 100% of the time. Why would you need damagereduction from tabis if you oneshot enemies, why would you need merctreads tenacity if you can just dodge with your W 4Head. Sorc shoes penetration just perfectly synergises with the rocketbelt mythic passive since the more flat magic pen you stack the more potent it becomes.
 

What the hell is the last item?

 
At this stage your power is so strong the final item won’t make a big difference, need dps? Cosmic drive, need a second pool? Zhonyas, need spellshield vs evelyn and zoe? Banshees. The itemshop is your oyster, get whatever you want last, I usually like to top it off with zhonyas.
This concludes the way of the gigalords setup and we’ll now proceed to the other setup.

Setup two, consistency king & lategamegod:

This play style was the meta for the longest of time and still remains viable, farm for 30 mins and then fight once and win the game 4Head. This playstyle relies less on your opponents being bad and more so on the inevitable victory that is 300 cs vladimir at the same time it’s also praying that your team doesn’t just perma fight for no reason which kinda happens a lot as well in soloq because people like fighting for no reason.
 

Summoner spells:

Ever thought how if everyone does just one thing the same way people would become insecure to try anything else but that specific way? That’s my opinion on using ghost > flash.
 
With this setup I prefer taking ghost over flash and ignite secondary. Why? Now that ghost’s duration gets refreshed on kills or assists and gives tremendous move-speed while only being on a 182 second cd with cosmic insight (163 with lucidity boots) allows you to have it up at literally every possible random teamfight, the mobility is insane for laningphase as well. If you can kill your opponent with flash in a certain scenario ghost will do the job and more, what do you do vs a vladimir that has kill pressure on your and pressed his nitroboost button? Flash away? Jokes on you this shit lasts 10000 years and he’ll just inevitably catch up.
 
Ghost in teamfights is also ridiculous, pop it right before someone dies and you have like 15 seconds of speed duration, can catchup to literally anyone even foolish galeforce buyers who think they are cool with their mini dash.(bit pixelated)
 
Ignite secondary lets you have some decent kill pressure even with this setup
You can of course go whatever you please, struggling with bully mages? Go flash tp, feel like you can’t catchup to that Ezreal in the backline? Flash ghost is the answer, etc, it’s all viable and just needs playing around.

Runes

Keystone:

 
Phaserush has been Vlad’s most consistent rune since seasons now. It offers a lot of versatility in the sense that it can be used to slide in an extra auto in trades, chase people down, escape ganks easier and of course mainly to slide into the backline like Michael Jackson moonwalking on the rift.
Just like electrocute it’s really easily proccable, just three swift strikes and you’re running like yourprincess runs from apologizing to Tuesday
Even your initial ult cast counts as one of the strikes, so you could ignite ult q and boom you’re already zooming.
 

Minor runes, sorcery:

Nimbus cloak is an insanely good rune for vlad since the main thing you lack is mobility, and the more you have the easier it gets to get even more. If you have a reliable way of proccing phaserush such as nimbus cloak ignite all your mobility issues are fixed.
 
Transcendence just like with the electro page it helps you lane giving you cdr as early as level 5, and if you stack enough ability haste with zhonyas or even legendary double stopwatch you can always do some funky last fight game winning shit like –> pool –> zhonyas –> get asisst so trans ticks in –> stopwatch –> pool again. It’s like 10 seconds of immunity winning you uber clutch games.
 
Gathering Storm what better rune suited for the lategame king himself. All other options like waterwalking and scorch are completely outclassed by this free stats rune. I’d say Vlad is the most efficient champion in the game when it comes to flat ap considering you have ap to hp conversion, absolutely massive ap scalings with damage and healing (wtF), and an amplification on all abilites with your ult.
 

Secondary runes, Inspiration:

Free boots are really good at helping you scale up consistently and the 10ms it gives you on top of regular boots means you just zoom that little bit extra.
 
Cosmic Insight is also amazing at lowering your summonerspells, combined with haste shoes you can get almost 70 seconds off your flash, how insane is that.
 

Build

If you’ve been shocked by going ghost ignite you’re going to be quite surprised by this.
 

Starting item:

Just like with electrocute, dark seal refillable is a beyond bonkers good item to start with, however since we get free boots with this setup going dorans ring is a more affordable purchase as well into a more difficult matchup like Orianna or Syndra. My logic is if you back with ~ 350g you’ll be having to choose either between dark seal or boots, but since boots are out of the equation you don’t even need to think about them so dorans ring is a lot more affordable. At the same time this setup focuses mostly on reaching unholy power as fast as possible.
 

First mythic:

Mythic? Only insecure players build mythic items first.
We build DOUBLE FIENDISH CODEX that’s right. Become unstoppable. Vlad turns AP into a hyper efficient stat already with his insane scalings, so what about a 114% gold efficient PURE ap and ability haste stat? Fiendish codex’ passive is no longer unique so you can stack them.
From experience I’ve felt that anything more than 2 feels awful and going only 1 is also a viable option, although we want to accelerate ourselves and by this I mean let’s say we just pushed out midlane wave and we have some tempo. Raptor camp is up and your jgler doesn’t need them, you take them in 15 seconds total, because of this, the next time you take them you could afford another item meaning you took them 10 seconds in total, the next time 5 seconds and so on and so fort.
Getting pure ap and cdr allows you to do this faster and ultimately accelerating yourself to a point of having 300 cs at 25 minutes and being able to completely devour anyone in sight.
 

Second item:

Since I’m addicted to Mejais I like to buy it second, however with this setup you can skip it, if you fall behind even slightly mejais won’t get the free 5 penetration that you would’ve gotten with a regular rocketbelt build and it becomes really hard to get back into the game. Just remember if you need the power of GOD to win this game, don’t hesitate to buy the holy bible.
 

The real Second item:

Now that you have around ~ 100 ap Rabadons deathcap becomes efficient, even in its pathetic nerfed state it’ll still transform you into an onmipotent being. Deathcap is 92% item efficient with just it’s own AP and gets increased by 20% for every 100 ap so making it at MINIMUM 112% gold efficient of RAW pure AP power which Vladimir makes such enthusiastic work with. Now imagine if you had a mejais with some lucky 10 stacks on it, 136% gold efficient pure ap item combined with this? Oh Lord. Full mejais and dc = 357 ap = 500 hp more for FREE due to crimson pact.
 

Third item:

Most sane enemies when pressing TAB and seeing there is a 200 cs vlad at 16 minutes with a deathcap completed and double codex eagerly wanting to devour their feeble adc souls will attempt to purchase some magic resistance.
Falter their plans by buying an early Void Staff, just like the logic we applied earlier with electrocute, void staffs 131% gold efficiency combined with sorcerer shoes allows you to deal near true damage to low mr targets and to those with more than room temperature IQ who’ve built MR? Well you have a voidstaff, what good does it do them.
 

Fourth item:

Woo! It’s mythic time yayyy!
 
This is the most satisfying thing ever, building a mythic item when you have 3 legendaries all giving you instant mythic passive.
At this stage you can choose pretty much all mythics, need more haste? Go Nightharvester for unrivaled dps, playing against a lot of squishies? Unleash unholy burst with the Rocketbelt, enemies stacked giga nitro mega amounts of mr and you’re having a tough time penetrating through it? Literally buy a Liandry’s, it shreds enemy MR making your voidstaff and sorc shoes deal hyper amounts of damage. Since you have 2 codex Liandry’s is giga cheap at only 2500g and doesn’t eat up another inventory slot.
 
You can even decide to buy something else if you’re in desperate need for it like a Zhonyas or Morrelo, it’s not essential to have a mythic but I highly recommend it leaving it no later than this.
 

Last item (if you were a chad mejais buyer)

Just like the other electro setup, you may go whatever your heart desires as final ap item.
Enemies have a lot of ad? Zhonyas, need dps? Cosmic Drive, need magic res? Spirit or Banshees.
That’s pretty much it to the phaserush build, we’ll be covering when to go these setups next.
 

How to choose between the two setups

I am of the opinion that you can go either setup 100% of the time every game and not need to switch things up to find success, however there are scenarios where one is better than the other.
For beginners I recommend learning just one setup first or your opinion might get clouded by low sample size.
I also have a complete matchup spreadsheet with every matchup midlane in the game
 
If you’re more of the assassin player, wanting to oneshot specific targets and having ridiculously high kill pressure in lane I recommend going electrocute setup.
 
If you more feel like playing an actual controlmage and maintaining 10cs/min and unleashing unholy wrath lategame with zero counterplay then go phaserush setup.
 
In a realistic scenario if you’re laning vs melee champions electrocute is much better for lane and the minor runes will have a lot of effect vs them. You can go both setups in both types of matchups and it’s perfectly viable you just have to be aware of your weaknesses and play around them.
 
Currently I think the meta favours the electrocute setup a tiny bit more since there is a lot of early fighting and lane prio is important to help your jungler. That being said having ghost ignite phaserush means you can join any fight you want since your sums are super low so try both and see which one you like more.
 

Early laningphase and how to play matchups

Level 1 – 5

With both play-styles you want to play as safe as humanly possible with Vladimir pre 6, try manage the wave so it’s always near your tower so you can’t get ganked and are easily able to lasthit. It is ESSENTIAL to have on point last hitting skills, if you do not, go practice tool right now and get 100cs in 10 mins with only autohits. These early autohits really dictate the pace of the rest of the game, same theory with raptors, how much money you have dictates how much money you’ll be able to generate.
 
If your lane opponent doesn’t have teleport (mostly melees) you can play a little aggro and sneak in a quicky succ every now and then onto your lane opponent and eventually either deplete their hp so they have to recall or their mana so they become obsolete.
 
Don’t use your E early much as it mostly hurts yourself more than it hurts anything else, the self damage is always the same percentage so it really feels bad using it early to sprinkle tiny 60 damage blood bolts at the cost of like 100 hp.
 
You may spam Q on the minions as long as you don’t end up pushing the wave to the enemy, what makes vlad really hard to play in high elo is players will freeze the wave as soon as it starts to push vs them and it’s impossible to unfreeze unless you call your jungler to help.
 
If you’re playing vs someone with teleport it’s extremely ballsy to trade with them as if you do they’ll empty their mana on you and hp and just recall and come back leaving you with low hp and unable to buy items and locked in lane, going teleport yourself with phaserush of course halfway counters this awful spot to be in.

Level 1 – 5 early electrocute cheese

This strategy is really really easy to pull off, This video shows exactly how to pull this off, it’s incredibly easy to do with electrocute since you also have taste of blood and ignite if your lane opponent dares to contest this you can just punish them.
 
Basically you want to create a slowpush early, how do we do this? Try to fish for auto attacks or a Q on your opponent, aggroing the minions onto you, since they will chase you let them be pulled into your wave, while you drag them they will not be attacking your minions meaning the wave will push in opponent direction.
 
If you pull this off and just gently last hit the next 2 waves and then push in really hard when canon wave comes you’ll have stacked a MASSIVE ally wave under enemy turret while you have tempo to do whatever you like, recall get amp tome / ward for jungler / invade with jungler / anything you desire.
 
And what about my enemy mid, won’t he follow me and stop me? But how? He’s got 3 waves stacked under his turret trying to last hit them, he can’t just leave that or he’ll instantly lose the game.
 
This concept is very very important to vladimir players as your all ins are often able to 100-0 opponents, so if we do this strategy of stacking big waves at level 6- 9 and dive the lane opponent and they die they lose like 3 waves worth of cs, this is literally unbearably game losing for them and it’s SO easy to pull off especially in low elo. What on earth do you do vs a vladimir who stacked a wave, has an alternator, electro ult and ignite up and is furiously waiting to oneshot you? Literally no counterplay other than going barrier or buying hp / mr.
 

How do I get the wave to push into my direction so I can lasthit?

It’s very simple, most people will hit the wave level 1 like the utter troglodytes they are, just match their auto attacks and leave one out every few, once it slowpushes into your direction all you have to do is not kill the minions and let them be near your turret. The wave will ALWAYS freeze if 3 full hp caster minions are left alive and the next wave’s melee minions don’t go under tower.
 
Like this we can freely scale up to the lategame terror that Vladimir is.
 
My lane opponent has also read this guide and isn’t hitting the first wave? Wtf? If you can, push push push like your pregnant and try get your minions under enemy tower, if this happens the wave will simply bounce and start pushing towards you.
These 2 concepts are the simplest and most essential thing to know when playing Vladimir.
 

First recall

You’ve got around 1000g? You should start to look to setup a recall so you can either buy a fiendish codex (phaserush setup) or a hextech alternator (electrocute setup)

How do we do this?

We already know how to stack waves and crash them under enemy tower, so we simply preform just that, we push the wave out and once it’s under tower run away quickly and recall, the bigger the wave the better since it traps your lane opponent in lane while you get to recall and only lose 1-2 melees.
 
If you don’t want to lock your lane opponent in lane or they have tp or just don’t care didn’t ask, just push the wave out before or during cannon wave since cannon minions can tank like 8 or more turret shots meaning you have tonnes of time to walk back to lane without missing anything.
 
Not missing any cs during your recalls is really essential as Vladimir especially because you can’t afford to fall behind.
 
Vs mages who like to buy lost chapter it’s extremely important you figure out a way to force a recall before they get that 1300g because if they do somehow get that you’re in for a fun cock and ball torture session, especially with Orianna. That’s why if you can recall with 1000g you can get a fiendish and they’ll just feel awful buying a god damn mana crystal.

Post recall

You’ve just walked back to lane, you’re level 6 and have your 1000g item and haven’t lost more than 1 minions worth of exp. What do you do now?
 
Since you have some AP you finally get to have more than cannon minion levels of wave-clear
 
If you’ve got an easy matchup and are not afraid to push out the wave start pushing and looking for things to do on the map. It’s important to ask yourself these questions WHILE pushing so you don’t waste time making a decision when you already have tempo.
 
Can you kill your lane opponent? Dive him.
 
Can you help your jungler invade? Go for it, just remember you’re on a tight time limit if things don’t go well and you’ll lose farm mid with no gain.
 
Can you gank / dive bot/ top? If there is a guaranteed pay off, (know all summs, ults etc) then go for it! Just don’t risk anything, remember if both teams are equal you are likely to win because of vladimirs inevitable lategame scaling.
 
If you don’t have any options, simply ward or clear wards, going out of enemy vision forces your lane opponent to shit their pants and ping ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? where he go? Which takes focus from other players and makes them play accordingly.
 

Midgame

It’s VERY important to go to sidelanes IF
 
Your botlane’s tower died and now enemy adc and sup go mid and try to take yours, since you have fuckall waveclear you can’t hold them away from the tower and end up losing more and more. It’s very important to also not share exp since the support will probably try defend midlane with you, you want to soak up that juicy sololane exp and start exerting pressure in a sidelane.
 
If you see lots of champs in one spot be ready to move asap because a teamfight might break out, although as Vlad maintaining 10cs/min is above everything, you can’t have any less if you want to carry games so some teamfights are just lost causes and don’t hurt yourself more by trying to get there in time.
 
You can generally tell when a fight will happen when either:

• Herald is up and no dragon
  
• Dragon is up
  

 
If ally mid tower is still up and dragon is down and herald is up what do we do?
 
Of course sidelane top and tell your teleport toplaner to go bot and your adc supp to go mid, it’s very likely that a herald fight will start and you wanna be there.
 
If dragon spawns and your team wants to contest that? Sidelane botlane and rotate mid at least ~20 seconds before dragon spawn so your adc can walk up reliably.
 
The only fights you REALLY need to be a part of are for objectives especially dragon, ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY if you don’t have any dragons at all and enemies are stacking them.
 
Even the most terrible scaling champions like pantheon will be REALLY obnoxious lategame if they get something like an infernal dragon soul.
 
Just one or two dragons means enemy team won’t receive the dragon wincondition at like 20 mins which means the game will go on for longer, what happens if the game goes on for super long? Uh oh stinky poo poo lategame vlad arrived and you just take what you please at that stage of the game anyways.
 

Lategame & Teamfighting

This part of the game is much easier with phaserush and ghost especially with ghost since it also has built in scaling with level, duration and speed.
 
If you have the potential to reach the backline and kill them then that should be your priority above everything, in 99% of the scenarios this is easily achieved with ghost phaserush, since you literally can’t run away from a ghosted vlad. Not even Ezreal with double flash can run, not even kassadin with 4k mana can blink away in a straight line, and god have mercy if Vlad gets his ghost extended with an asisst or kill.
 
If you’re playing with electro and your rocketbelt isn’t enough to get you into the backline then try your best to hit as big of an ult as possible and peel for your next strongest member which is usually the adc. A fullbuild vlad demolishes anything that dares approach.
 
Most fights are extremely obvious when they happen late into the game, they’re either around sieging or around objectives like dragon and baron, you should always be around those when they spawn and farming nearby camps and minions.
 
Even late into the game you want to be farming farming farming, vlad is a super high resource champion, I’d honestly say the highest resource hog in the entire game, not even kassadin needs this much money, but not even kassadin can just engage 1v5 and demolish everyone.

Ability maxing

You want to max your Q first on both setups, however if you are ahead and are going for the double fiendish codex setup I recommend putting 4 points into Q and then start maxing E out, if you do this your E will oneshot the enemy casterminions extremely early, normally only after lvl 11, with this setup as early as level 9.
So Q → E → W and R of course at 6, 11 and 16..
 
If you’re playing vs a melee champ in lane going W level 2 is definetly viable and can catch people off guard like a talon jumping on you without expecting you to pool. It does decent damage and slows like crazy unexpected, good for making enemies eat towershots when they think they can just weave in and out.
 

Combos

There aren’t really many “combos” and it’s mostly just generic efficiency and logical thinking, you make up a lot of things on the fly. Here is a link if you are adamant on learning combos.  
Say we want to proc electrocute or phaserush level 1
Auto Q Auto
 
There is also a multitude of ways you can combo with quick cast, smart cast, input buffer etc.
For the full combo with all sums, what works best for me:
 
Smartcast all abilities, Q for an empowered Q ready,
Charge E –> Flash –> Release E –> Ult –> Q – Ignite
 
Some people like to ult first as it releases E automatically upon pressing R however I feel like it’s a tiny bit clunky and if you release E manaully it’s literally impossible to react to unless predicted.
Super late into the game if you have phaserush you could also if you see enemies clumped up and you know they won’t be for long:
Flash –> R –> E W
 
Since you flash you’ll instantly be able to ult and have nimbus cloak movespeed to make sure your E and W connect with someone, if they do you get phaserush and are able to chase everyone down once you come out of pool, pooling instantly doesn’t matter as much as well since if you hit a fat R it’ll heal you like crazy, this catches enemies off guard a LOT even in high challenger.
 

Skin Choice

Of course the most important part of the guide.
The tierlist goes like this:
 
Marquis: 9/10, Extremely small model, feels amazing to play with, cheap asf, regular ult is sometimes invis vs bigger targets like cho’gath.
 
Bloodlord 8.5/10, A timeless classic with absolutely insane taunting game, instantaneous laugh. Absolute badass voiceline, sounds and animations that make you feel allpowerful but at 1850rp? Idk..
 
Nightbringer: 8/10 Probably my most played, shortish cape, nice sounds and animations, literally invisible ultimate, beyond pay2win, if you’re looking for the most pay2win its probably this one.
 
Darkwaters: 7.5/10 basically budget nightbringer with a giga big nasty looking cape. Also has an invisible ult, arguably more invis than nightbringer.
 
Cosmic Devourer: 7/10 I like the stars aesthetic but imagine making a new skin without pay2win ult, what are you doing right??
 
Academy: 6/10 Kinda slick, not having a cape and being in a weird suit looks good but his hands look literally cancerbig.
 
Soulstealer: 5/10 wtf are these sounds, legit sound like it’s windy outside and has the most ugliest cape in the game.
 
Default: 4/10 bloodlord should be default and this should be removed, legit so beyond ugly.
 
Count: 1/10 Scuffed ass default vlad chroma so bad it should be against the geneva convention.
 
Vandal: dugu/10 You have to say no homo before using this skin, never touch another man’s skin.
 
Nosferatu ?/?? Absolute power.. At a price.
 

General tips

The minute you forget to farm is the minute you’re out of the game, always farm.
 
Taking jungle camps is really fast after double codex
 
Don’t be scared to use ignite generously, if it means your opponent runs out of pots they’re FUCKED since you can just trade 50 hp for 300 of yours and you’ll eventually outsustain.
 
If you want fast results NEVER blame your team, even if they fucked up, what good does it do you to just move on? Try figure out what YOU could’ve done to prevent x from happening
 
If you’re extremely strong and baron is already up, just tell your team to start it with you, you don’t have to finish it but it’s a for sure way of starting a teamfight and making enemies fight you when you want it. Worst case scenario you keep hitting baron, they steal it, you end their lives, gg.
 
The period of where you have crimson rush gets extended by E, Zhonyas, and Pool.
 
For some reason if you have enough cdr and pool as soon as your E ends and start a new channel in pool that E will have no animation and be invisible, not very usable though.
 
If you have any questions, ask me anything I’m always happy to spread light on things I didn’t elaborate on. I also stream of course on twitch.tv/elite500, if I didn’t cover something feel free to ask :D, preferably on the post instead of on stream so others can see it too, I'm streaming as i post this guide so i'll reply to comments in queue
streaming right now again so i'll reply to comments in queue